Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
