Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
