Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
