There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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