fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
