Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
