i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
