Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
