First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
