Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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