Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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