I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
