I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
