The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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