If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
