I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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