we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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