Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
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She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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