Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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