I can tuck mytits in my pants
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
