went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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