I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
