you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
