it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
