just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
