It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
