somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My cat gives me a boner
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
