so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
