You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
