i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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