Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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