the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
