i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
