that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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