I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize