Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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