I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
