If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
