The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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