I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize