So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
