so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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