i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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