how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
