I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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