my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
