before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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