Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
