someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'm having to shit out rocks
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
