im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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