The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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