suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
