my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
