fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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