If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
