he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
