the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
