I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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