the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
