Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
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